How (and why) to teach your daughter to see herself as the Subject not Object of her own damn life!
Unfortunately people raised as girls are conditioned to see themselves through the eyes of the other, aka the object not the subject. This is problematic in many ways, but especially when it comes to intimate relating.
As a basic rule, the subject is the person doing something. The object is the person having something done to them, or they are being impacted by the action/s of the object.
Subject is generally more active and primary.
Object is generally more passive and secondary.
So what does this mean when we apply it to our daughters and how they see themselves, and feel about themselves...?
...It means they may see themselves as secondary, as passive receivers of what is happening in their world, rather than active doers. And how they feel is often in relation to others, or what others are doing, or how they are being perceived by others.
Some examples of ways this is encouraged/conditioned/reinforced by the world:
the importance placed on how she looks, over how she feels. A perfect example of this is wearing high heels. High heels are NOT about comfort, they are all about looks, eg it is more important to look good than to feel comfortable. Another example are the extreme forms of cosmetic plastic surgery.
the emphasis of her as the nurturer - which in itself isn't a bad thing, but the shadow aspect of this is often other people's needs are put above her own
The leftover shadows of a very unequal past, where women weren't allowed to vote, own land, weren't paid as much as men for the same roles, and how this manifests today in cultural norms. For example taking the man's surname in a marriage, the mental load of mothers, and the unpaid and unseen hours and money women spend on their appearance compared to men. Perhaps all seemingly smallish things, but with potentially a compound effect on how a woman grows to view herself.
Yes this paints a rather negative picture, but there is so much you can do to counter the societal conditioning your daughter is internalising.
What you can do for your daughters (and actually all women in your life):
Encourage her to focus on how she feels inside not how she looks
Make an effort to not make compliments that are based on appearance
Talk openly and often about magazines and social media as manipulated/unreal/adjusted/filtered
Focus on what she does herself (not only who she is or what she does for, or in relation to, others)
Allow her to explore her own needs, desires, pleasures
Ask her opinion on things
Question yourself - if this child was a boy how might you treat them differently in this situation
Model yourself - be aware of how you talk about food, clothes, how you self talk in the mirror or talk about your body and appearance
Allow her to feel big (messy, "unfeminine") feelings and hold space for her to feel range of emotions without people pleasing eg suppressing or modifying her emotions or adjusting them to how others feel
Validate her feelings and reinforce that her internal feelings are more important than external appearances
Teach the difference between the need to be liked with the need to be authentic, and how to balance this - authentic doesn't mean you have to be unkind, model speaking your truth in strong but loving ways
Teach her to focus on how her body feels rather than looks
Encourage (and model) looking inwards before looking outwards
Teach her about pleasure and sensuality and how to source it from herself rather than primarily from others
Question your own internalised cultural norms that may not be serving you any more
Gently educate the men in your daughter's life around these things too
You can see how each of these things will impact how your daughter will relate intimately to, and with, others in terms of the common teen challenges such as consent and peer pressure. Basically the more you can encourage, model and teach your daughter that she matters first and foremost, the better outcomes she is going to have in her future intimate relationships.
If you skimmed:
Your daughter is being conditioned to see herself as the object in her life
It's your job to counter this and teach her that she is in fact also the subject
Tell your daughters "You matter. Your feelings matter. Your thoughts, opinions, needs and desires matter"